Polytoxic, once the Pied Piper of the Denver jam scene, is dusting off their rusty strings just one more time. Or, so they say. We’ve heard it all before, and frankly, none of us believe it. “Every show could be our last,” quips band frontman Tori Pater, conducting an interview from a beach-side veranda during one of his many recent vacations. “The truth is, we really just don’t like each other. When we say Last Show Ever, we actually mean it.”
CR Gruver, formerly a Denver resident but now living in New Orleans, is quick to point out the reason for continuing to play. “As perfect as New Orleans is, there is something about the freaks in Denver that we just can’t get enough of”, he says sipping his Cafe au Lait over a plate of beignets. Since moving to Nola, Gruver has the most annoying tendency to inject the words New Orleans into just about every sentence – or even worse, follow up with a “Yeah You Right”, “Where Y’at” or, worst of all, “Who Dat”. He continues, “We keep getting offered these great gigs, in front of a room full of spinning freaksters, and who would turn that down? Yeah You Right!”. He also cites “tradition” as another reason they forego their mutual hatred for each other – “We’ve always done a reunion show around Thanksgiving, and we can’t stop now, it has become bigger than us at this point.” He hesitates, then adds “The truth is, we just can’t afford NOT to play – so maybe it’s not so much tradition as it is economic necessity. Where Y’at! Who Dat! Ya Heard!”
Shifting to Chadzilla, who conducts his interview from the mothership somewhere out in deep space, we hear “Bleeple-blip, Skywalker, dweep dweep, Ewok, beep boooooop blip”. There’s a second of static, then “Sorry, forgot to turn on my translator”, Chadzilla’s voice sounds a little robotic, and there’s a sound not unlike a light saber droning in the background. “I got so busy with the other 400 projects I’m doing, that i had to clone myself a couple of times”, he says with an electronic chuckle. “Fact of the matter is, I don’t even know who I’m playing with until about halfway through the first song – when I see it’s Polytoxic I just figure it’ll all be over soon enough, and thank DOG this is our last gig ever”. When asked what he likes about the music, he’s quick to respond “You call that music? I just bang on my drums while Tori flings F-bombs around and CR drools on his own keys. Call it whatever you want. Bleeple-blip-beepboop”. He adds, “The best is when we play everyone’s favorite songs first, before people actually show up. We’ll be doing that again this time – which will be the very very last time, ever. Boop boop Sith bleep JarJar blip. Chadzilla out.”
There it is folks – your favorite band that is not really a band at all will be performing their LAST SHOW EVER (yup, you can take that to the bank, if there are any banks left by the time this posts) at the NEW Quixote’s (314 East 13th Avenue Denver, CO 80203 (303) 861-7070) on Saturday November 17th. 10pm. They say since they’re so god-awfully bored with each other’s music, there will be a parade of guest musicians joining them that night.
– Written for The Onion by Charles Roberts – still waiting for the acceptance letter.